Shut Up And Drive
by Red Witch
Summary: Ron and Mallory get lost while driving to the opera.


**Ron ran over the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Maybe he was pretending it was Mallory? Just some tiny madness that came out of my little mind.**

 **Shut Up And Drive **

"Hurry up Ron," Mallory told her husband as he drove their car. Both were dressed up. "I don't want to be late to the opera."

"How did you get tickets anyway?" Ron asked.

"It's surprisingly easy if you know the right people."

"Which begs the question," Ron remarked. "How were **you** able to get them? Last I checked you were about as popular as day old lime Jell-O."

"I still have contacts," Mallory sniffed.

"Who exactly are they?" Ron asked.

"People I know."

"Who are?"

"Oh, all right!" Mallory snapped. "I paid on one of those online ticket things. So they're not exactly box seats! But it's still worth it to go to La Boehme. Especially since you got me kicked out at the Met!"

"A real ticket online place or did you get scammed again?" Ron groaned. "Because knowing you…"

"It's real!" Mallory snapped. "I'm sure."

"Well I'm not," Ron grumbled. "No offense Doll, but your record for this type of stuff isn't exactly a hundred percent. Like that real estate scheme you fell for."

"First of all," Mallory said. "Flim Flam Freddy is **dead** to me! And he will be literally if I get a hold of him."

"Not that one," Ron corrected. "The **other** real estate scheme! The house of horrors you bought online. With my money!"

"Oh, _**that**_ one," Mallory frowned. "I admit that was a mistake on my part."

"Stop the presses!" Ron shouted. "Mallory Archer has admitted to a mistake!"

"Yes Ron! I've made **lots** of mistakes in my life!" Mallory glared at him.

"So have I!" Ron snapped. "Actually, you getting the tickets does put my mind at least. It means there's a fifty percent chance I don't have to sit through this opera crap."

"Opera is a refined art," Mallory told her husband.

"It's pretentious and a waste of money!" Ron grumbled. "At the very least they should do an **English** version of these things! Even on a jumbotron it's hard to read the words!"

"It's an Italian classic."

"So is pizza!" Ron said. "But they managed to make that accessible to people!"

"You are honestly comparing a classic work of art to **pizza?** " Mallory shouted.

"Making pizza **is** an art," Ron said. "A lot better art than a bunch of weirdoes in tights singing off key. And more affordable!"

"Words," Mallory groaned. "I have no words."

"That will be a first."

"I should have brought Krieger," Mallory grumbled.

"Yes, you should," Ron said. "Then I wouldn't have had to drive to this."

"At least Krieger appreciates a night out!"

"I appreciate a night out," Ron told her. "I also appreciate enjoying something in **English!** As in the language I **actually speak**!"

"Why do I even **bother?** " Mallory sighed. "Take a left here."

"You don't take a left here," Ron said.

"Ron you have to take a left here," Mallory said.

"I think I **know** how to get downtown by now!" Ron snapped. "You can't take a left here. There's construction."

"That's only during the day," Mallory said. "Take a left."

"What do you think they do?" Ron asked. "Fill in the holes at night and dig them up again? I'm turning right."

"Ron!" Mallory snapped. "You were supposed to turn left!"

"I couldn't turn left!" Ron said. "There was a sign saying detour. It was in **English!"**

"You are an ugly American you know that?" Mallory looked at him.

"And you my dear," Ron said. "Are just…"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence Ron!" Mallory shouted. "Okay you should have turned left **there.** "

"Where? Down an alley?"

"No! There!" Mallory pointed. "Turn **there**!"

"I can't tell where you're pointing," Ron said. "Odds are it's wrong anyway."

"Ron you're going the wrong way," Mallory said.

"I know what I'm doing," Ron said.

" **Do** you?" Mallory said. "You missed the turn."

"I didn't miss the turn."

"You missed the turn!"

"No, I didn't miss the turn!"

"Yes, you did!"

"We're fine," Ron said.

"We're not fine Ron!" Mallory snapped. "Why are you stopping?"

"Because there's this new thing called a **traffic light** ," Ron said. "You see in English speaking countries Red means **stop!** "

"You need to take a right here," Mallory said.

"I know where I'm going Mallory."

"You're going the wrong way!"

"I'm not going the wrong way."

"You are!"

"I'm not!" Ron said as he started driving again.

"You're going the wrong way," Mallory said.

"I know where I'm going," Ron said. "And…I think I just went the wrong way."

"Nooo?" Mallory mocked. "Really?"

"I missed a turn," Ron said. "I didn't see that sign over there."

"You should get one of those GPS things," Mallory sniffed.

"Why?" Ron asked. "I already have a woman telling me where to go and what to do."

"You won't have me much longer if we miss this opera!" Mallory warned him.

"Why the hell do you want to see this stupid opera anyway?" Ron asked. "You know what it's about right? A group of lunatics that have no money who spend their time screwing each other and getting into trouble. If I wanted to see **that** , I'd just go visit **your office!** "

Mallory paused. "Burn."

"And they speak **English**!" Ron snapped. "I don't understand what they're talking about half the time, but at least it's in English!"

"Keep this up Ron and I will get a headache for the rest of the week!" Mallory growled.

"Oh good," Ron said sarcastically. "For a minute there I thought you were going to threaten me."

"If you want a real threat Ron I will be more than happy to…" Mallory did a double take. "Turn right!"

"You can't turn right," Ron said. "That's a one-way street."

"Not that right," Mallory groaned. " **That** right! No! You passed it!"

"I couldn't get over there in time," Ron said. "There's a car there."

"Move the car!" Mallory snapped. "God Ron this wouldn't happen if you knew how to drive!"

"Sweetheart I've been driving cars since I was a kid," Ron snapped. "I **know** how to drive! Not be a back-seat driver!"

"I could be at the theater by now," Mallory sighed.

"And I could be eating **a pizza** by now!" Ron snapped.

"I can't believe you are seriously comparing La Boehme to pizza!" Mallory shouted.

"As far as I'm concerned," Ron said. "There is **no comparison**! Pizza wins by a mile!"

"CRAZY!" Mallory shouted. "YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!"

"I'm making **you crazy?"** Ron shouted. "You make me **nuts!** I used to be a gentleman before I met you!"

"I should be with a **real gentleman** you uncultured ass!" Mallory snapped.

"I never used to raise my voice to a woman!" Ron shouted. "Outside the track. But even then, there was respect! BUT NOW I YELL LIKE AN ANIMAL BECAUSE YOU FORCED ME TO DO SO!"

"I could have been with any man Ron!" Mallory shouted. "ANY MAN! BUT NOOOO! I HAD TO SETTLE FOR YOU!"

"Oh really?" Ron shouted.

"Yes, really!" Mallory shouted. "I had my pick of all of New York society! I could have chosen a real man with breeding and class! A man who **appreciates** La Boehme!"

"You mean like Len Trexler?"

"Well not as he is **now**!" Mallory was exasperated. "The only way Trexler would appreciate the opera would be if all the actors were replaced by lettuce!"

"How about that crazy cardinal?" Ron asked. "You know the one that tried to assassinate the Pope? I'm sure he'd **love** to go to the opera with you!"

"Too much of a workaholic," Mallory admitted.

"What about that Wainscott guy?"

"God no," Mallory groaned. "The only way he'd go to an opera is if there was an all you can eat buffet there. Now that I think about it, his tastes and yours are frighteningly similar. Except in women. He preferred his thin, shrill and birdlike."

"Then what about Gussie?"

"Only light opera," Mallory admitted. "Gilbert and Sullivan. And even then, that was pushing it. After hearing Model Major General he'd pass out and sleep through the rest. You could hear the man's snoring backstage."

"So, I'm not the only man in your life that thinks opera is total BS!" Ron told her.

"Even Sterling isn't that big a fan," Mallory admitted. "The only time he'd willingly go to the opera is if he could screw either an actress or an usher. Didn't care what as long as they had big breasts and wide legs."

"Who **exactly** are you thinking of when you say you had men to take you to the opera?" Ron asked. "Were they all imaginary?"

"NO!" Mallory shouted. "There was Augustus St. Avers! He **loved** the opera! And he took me out to every production all the time! And he had his own private box seats!"

"Oh, goody for Augustus Gloop," Ron rolled his eyes.

"He would lavish me with furs and diamonds and chocolates from Paris!" Mallory went on. "PARIS!"

"Well if he was such a great guy why the hell did you stop seeing him?"

"It was just one of those things," Mallory waved.

"What did he do? Dump you?"

"He didn't dump me!" Mallory bristled. "If you must know, there was a member of his family that didn't like me very much. And Augustus being a gentleman chose to respect her wishes. That's why we broke up."

"Which member of his family?"

"His wife," Mallory admitted.

"HA!" Ron scoffed. "Oh yeah. You had a real stable of **winners** back in the day!"

"Well it's still better than that nag from New York you used to run around with!" Mallory bristled. "And you need to turn right."

"I can't turn right," Ron said. "That's a one-way street."

"Well you can't just keep going on this road!"

"I know that!" Ron said. "Just let me figure out where we are."

"We're lost?" Mallory balked.

"We're not technically lost," Ron said. "I know we're somewhere in downtown LA. I'm just not sure exactly where."

"If I didn't know better I'd say you got us lost on purpose!"

"Oh, if you want me to get lost sweetheart, I'll get lost!" Ron snarled. "On some island far away where even you can't track me."

"Not with your lousy sense of direction," Mallory groaned. "Try going down this road."

"What for?"

"Just do it!"

"We can't take that road," Ron said. "That will take us to the other side of town."

"It will not take us to the other side of town."

"Yes, it will."

"No, it won't."

"Yes, it will."

"Just do what I say Ron!" Mallory ordered.

"Or what?" Ron asked. "You gonna jump out?"

"Crazy!" Mallory rolled down the window. "I AM RIDING WITH A CRAZY MAN! WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE OPERA!"

"Why should I go out for drama when I have **you**?" Ron shouted. "You are insane! You have to pick apart every little thing I do! For no reason! I've stolen cars with less hassle from the cops!"

"What do you mean by **that?** " Mallory narrowed her eyes.

"Nothing," Ron gulped. "I think we turn left here…"

"Hang on," Mallory said. "What did you mean by what you said?"

"I mean we should turn left here."

"NOT THAT!" Mallory shouted. "The thing about stealing cars!"

"Oh that," Ron waved. "Just when I was younger I did a few foolish stupid things. No big deal."

"No big deal?" Mallory glared at him. "You think **stealing cars** is no **big deal?"**

"Oh, like you never stole a car in your life?" Ron challenged.

Mallory paused. "Point taken."

"I thought so," Ron grumbled.

Mallory sniffed. "I just don't want to wake up one morning to find out that I was married to a criminal."

"Seriously?" Ron shouted. "You're worried about **me** being a criminal? You? **YOU?"**

"Ron…"

"No, let's **go there**!" Ron shouted.

"Actually, you should go this way," Mallory pointed.

"Let's discuss the incredibly **ironic statement** you just made Holly Hypocrite!" Ron shouted. "With all the things **you've done**? You're lecturing **me** about criminal behavior? Seriously? **YOU?"**

"Actually, right now I was lecturing about what turn you should make," Mallory backed off. "Oh, wait that was a dead end…I didn't see the signs."

"Like our marriage!" Ron said.

"Ron!"

"It's true! I certainly didn't see the signs when it came to **you**!" Ron went on "Let's discuss the **many ways** you worrying about any criminal behavior I have done in my past is ironic to say the least. Let's start with…. Oh, I don't know. The **treason!** "

"You always throw that one in my face!" Mallory folded her arms.

"It's a pretty big one!" Ron snapped.

"It was light treason," Mallory explained.

"Light treason is still **treason!** " Ron shouted. "Just like manslaughter is still murder. Somebody ends up dead in the end!"

"Keep it up Ron," Mallory said. "You'll end up dead in the end!"

"It was treason Mallory! Treason!"

"It was a first offense."

"I never heard of a **second!** " Ron shouted. "Although with you and your crew I would not be surprised if that happened!"

"Ron!"

"Okay let's skip the whole treason thing," Ron said. "Let's also gloss over how you've been getting away without paying taxes all these years. Something I would like to point out, even mob bosses do! True they don't pay much but they're smart enough to pay them!"

"To be fair the story of Al Capone is a cautionary tale," Mallory shrugged.

"It's also a cautionary tale of how not to get syphilis!" Ron said. "Again, with all the boyfriends you've had…"

"Watch it Ron!"

"I just think that it's hilarious you harp over the one woman I dated for a few years when you were dating half of New York!" Ron snapped.

"No, I mean watch **the road** ," Mallory pointed. "Slow down!"

"Why? You never did!" Ron snapped. "And as soon as we got to California you got mixed up in crazy schemes and cockamamie plots! Like that whole Long Water mess!"

"I didn't come up with that!"

"No, but you did get involved," Ron snapped. "And made everything ten times worse! Your agency's first case was **stealing** that damned disk! That's not exactly legal Mallory! And neither were all those other things you've done!"

"Name one!"

"The bomb threats!" Ron snapped.

"How did you know about **that?** "

"How do you think?" Ron snapped.

"Damn Pam's blabby big fat mouth," Mallory grumbled.

"I'm just saying that you have no right to lecture me about my past!" Ron said. "Considering what I know about yours. And the scary part is I know it isn't **everything!** And I'm not so sure I want to know everything!"

"Ron even I don't **want** to know everything about my past!"

"That bad huh?"

"Like you wouldn't believe," Mallory groaned. "Okay now I know you're going the wrong way! Turn left!"

"It's a one-way street woman!" Ron shouted. "We can't turn left!"

"If you knew how to drive you'd turn left!"

"THAT'S IT!" Ron shouted. "You want to go left! We'll go left!"

SCREEECH!

VRROOMM!

"What the hell are you doing?" Mallory shouted.

"YOU WANTED ME TO GO LEFT! I WENT LEFT!"

"NOT DOWN THIS STREET YOU MORON!" Mallory shouted. "YOU'RE CRAZY! CRAZY!"

"THIS WOMAN IS TRYING TO KILL ME!" Ron shouted out the window.

"TRUST ME RON! IF I WANTED TO KILL YOU…"

A siren broke her off. "Oh great! Now look what you've done!" Mallory snapped.

"What I've done?" Ron snapped as they pulled over. "You're not taking any responsibility for this are you?"

"How is this **my fault?"** Mallory asked.

"You're kidding right?" Ron asked as the police officer approached the car.

"Do you know how fast you were going sir?" The police officer asked.

"I told him to slow down, officer," Mallory sniffed.

"Liar!" Ron glared at her. "You told me to speed up!"

"Well I didn't want to be late!" Mallory snarled at him. "Which we are now thanks to you!"

"Officer take me to jail please!" Ron pleaded. "I could use the break!"

"I'll give **you** a break Ron!" Mallory snarled. "I'll break your freaking neck!"

"Why do I always get the weirdoes?" The officer sighed.


End file.
